how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
