Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
