***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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