Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
