Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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