I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
