I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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