I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
handjob tips. give me some.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize