ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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