It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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