Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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