how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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