if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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