i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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