Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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