He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
