Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize