im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
