my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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