Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize