I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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