it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
