Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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