He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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