Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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