i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So. Much. Porn.
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