I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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