when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
