You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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