Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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