Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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