I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
