You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
