You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
