If that was your dad, he is hot
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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