I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
