Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
