why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
