I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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