So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
