DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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