I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
