can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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