I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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