I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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