I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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