I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
