I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
