Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
