mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize