Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
