____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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