i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
