Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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