ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
