OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
