I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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