I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
