You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
